Prevent Child Abuse America<\/a><\/p>\n
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My first husband had anger issues and was abusive \u2013 but not at first. As the pressures of life grew (money, kids, bills, etc.), so did his anger. My husband pinned me against walls, got in my face, left bruises on my arms where he grabbed me, and my self-esteem took a hit from his biting remarks. My smart mouth and defiant attitude did not help the situation, and at times, caused his anger to escalate. He did not lash out at our two boys, so I thought it was my fault. I covered the bruises with makeup and put on a happy face for everyone. When our oldest son was about 3 years old, my husband got angry with him, picked him up by his upper arms, and shook him like a rag doll. At that point, I felt it was time for us to leave before something bad happened. In the process of going through the divorce, my husband\u2019s mother told me that his father had anger issues at the beginning of their marriage as well \u2013 he hit her, my husband, and his sister. My husband’s behavior suddenly made some sense to me, as if he justified his behavior by using his father as an example of how a father should act.<\/p>\n
After the divorce, the boys came home from a weekend visitation, and I discovered that both boys had hand-shaped bruises on their behinds. I called their father demanding to know how he could do such a thing to our boys. He refused to answer, claiming he did not want to “incriminate” himself. I called the police. Officers took each of the boys aside and asked them what happened. Both boys had the same story – their father got angry and beat them because they got water on the floor the night before during a bath. I pressed charges. Until my case went to court, my ex-husband had to have supervised visitation and go to an anger management class. We had a couple of court dates where officers presented evidence and testimony. The notice for the final court date never came. When I called to ask about it, they told me the case was dropped a few weeks before – he completed the anger management class and unsupervised visitation was to continue. Talk about a kick in the teeth.<\/p>\n
He never left any more bruises on them after that. I found out years later that he did indeed continue to abuse them physically and emotionally when he got angry. They did not want to get \u201cin trouble\u201d for telling me about it \u2013 instead, they merely tried to avoid making him angry. Right before our youngest son graduated high school, he decided he was bisexual, which horrified my ex-husband. He felt gay and bisexual behavior was wrong. When he found out our son had kissed a boy, he made him call me to tell me about it. I suppose my ex-husband thought I felt the same way he did but was sorely disappointed to learn that it did not bother me. At one point, his father told one of our son’s acquaintances that he did not want anything to do with our son, and our son heard about it. He felt shunned by his father and felt he would never accept him.<\/p>\n
Eventually, my son fell in love with a boy, moved to another state and got married. I later learned that my son suffered physical and emotional abuse from his spouse. He left that marriage, and several months later, I helped get him into an apartment in our hometown. We talked every week about how he was doing. He seemed excited to be out on his own, making money in a steady job and had goals and dreams for his future.<\/p>\n
That was the story he led me to believe.<\/p>\n
In May of 2022, my son committed suicide. In elementary school, both boys were diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and had to take insulin every day. He allowed himself to go into Diabetic Ketoacidosis and died alone in his bed in his apartment. I was unaware that my son was depressed or was willing to end his life. He always had his happy face on, a great attitude, and always tried to make others smile.<\/p>\n
At the funeral home, while we arranged for his cremation, his father said, \u201cI\u2019m just glad I don\u2019t have to worry about him anymore.\u201d What a horrible thing to say. Parents should never have to outlive their children.<\/p>\n
A year after his death, I finally cracked into his heavily password-protected laptop and found a letter that he had written to me. He talked about how depressed and confused about himself he was because of his father\u2019s unwillingness to accept him. He also said that it was not the first time he had put himself into DKA on purpose. I knew he had been in and out of the hospital several times with DKA, but I did not realize that it was on purpose until I read his letter. There is so much I did not know, did not see, and I am still trying to wrap my head around it.<\/p>\n
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a happy kid with face paint. image source: personal photo<\/p>\n
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National Domestic Violence Hotline<\/a><\/p>\n Prevent Child Abuse America<\/a><\/p>\n
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